Friday, April 20, 2012

How to Make a Rock (Otherwise known as "How to Illustrate the Idiom 'between a rock and an hard place' for your 10 yr old son's ridiculous English project'")

First of all, you absolutely positively should NOT wait until the day before to try and figure out what your plan is, because it's more than likely gonna involve paint...and that will need 24 hours to completely dry (that's a voice of experience talkin')!  Secondly, go to every garden store in the state to see if they sell fake rocks...seriously....there isn't a better way to invest your time.  Finally, if you, like me, are stuck between a rock and a hard place (hehe), read this ENTIRE post before you commit to proceeding.  There is no turning back.

You will need to change into some disposable clothes.  Take off your glasses if you can (because it will be difficult to get the paint off of them if you don't).  Get a card table and a tablecloth and move your project to a garage or backyard...because you're about to get messy my friend.

Because my mom is such a hoarder, we had two materials: florist foam, AND styrofoam, so my tutorial is going to cover those two mediums.  If you haven't procrastinated to the very last minute....go with florist foam.  STYROFOAM is the tool of the devil.  As soon as you cut into it (You'll need a corragated knife, it's incredibly hard, despite it's airy weight), small spores of styrofoam burst through the air like the bird flu virus.  Unfortunately, that is shortlived.  Give it 3 minutes and the static electricity your body radiates will have attracted every single spore back to your body...your hands, your hair, your family pet.  It's EVERYWHERE!  If you are working with styrofoam, my first piece of advice, dispose of it immediately and go to the Dollar Tree to pick up florist foam.  There just isn't any advantages.  If styrofoam worked really well with adhesive....it might have won me over....but the truth of the matter is:  Adhesive of any kind (tape, glue, spray adhesive, super glue, hot glue), they are all the archnemisis of any kind of foam.  (That's not important right now, but keep it in mind for the "putting your rock together" portion of my tutorial!)  And, take a second to use your foresight.  Where are you going to be drying this puppy?  Take the time to get that area set up now.

Now, before you get into this mess past your elbows, you need to get your ducks in a row (see all of those idioms I've used....thus deeming this entire project unnecessary!  anyhoo).  You will need:  FLORIST FOAM, spray adhesive (it doesn't work, but I have to believe it's worth trying), toothpicks, heavy string or twine, and that really fancy expensive spray paint that looks like "faux rock" or granite, and, lastly, a metal coathanger.

Layer up the florist foam however you want.  Stick some toothpicks on the bottom layer.  Go ahead, patronize the laws of nature and spray a little adhesive on top (remember, well ventilated area people....garage, backporch- or not, perhaps a little "high" would make this time wasted more enjoyable, your call).  Then push the next layer of florist foam on top of the last.  You want pieces of different shapes and sizes, but don't get carried away, because remember, that adhesive is NOT going to work, and you don't want it to fall apart.  Next, what I SHOULD have done, is to sand the edges of the florist foam so it didn't look so rigid. 

Now just spray the hell out of that big hunk of foam until it looks like a big stupid freakin' rock.

For MY son's project we had to do between a rock AND a hard place.  So we also made a styrofoam brick.  That was easy enough...red craft paint on a rectangle of foam.  Go ahead, let your kid paint it.  It is their project after all!  BUT it was the BETWEEN that kicked us in the ass.

We were going to have to TIE them together in some magical way that left him in the middle.  So, the next morning, I learned (and I am sharing this lesson with you) that you can NOT successfully push a wire coat hanger through eight inches of floral foam.  *remember, I told you earlier, that shit is CRAZY dense*  So I had to carefully take it apart (which wasn't incredibly difficult, because, as I said, the spray adhesive is really just for peace of mind, it serves no real purpose), thread a string through each layer, tie all of the layers together, re-position them and start the "re-pinning with toothpicks" dance all over again.  Then, the easier part, we tied the other end of the string to the faux brick, and threw the entire completed (albiet still "moist" idiom) project over his shoulders.

If it still exists tonight when I get home I'll attach a picture.

The only satisfying part of the project is that Ryan loved it.  He said that praying mantis' were the smartest of all of the insects, and they wouldn't even be able to tell that the fake brick I made wasn't the real thing.  That really made me happy.  Kids fantasize ideas of what their projects should look like without any thought as to the materials, or time, or knowledge in mind...so, to be able to come up with something that, in the end, was close to what he imagined....and not embarrassing (especially with absolutely no planning), was a huge success.

My husband, Erik, who was at Poker Night while this was all going on...his comment...."Just one brick.  I thought you were gonna make a brick wall....."

bahahaha.

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