For the last couple of weeks Erik and I have had to ride to work together. He bought me a new van (2007 Maroon Honda Oddessy) on his birthday, March 23rd….and then, on the way home, the van he had been driving died. His friend, Mike, gave him a new car, but until that title comes in we have been having to carpool. It’s been a very strange experience. My usual routine is to leave the house by 6:30 am so I can get to work at 7:30 am. I don’t get in trouble if I am late…..but I don’t get paid until I get there, and I can’t work late to make it up, so I try to get here at 7:30 am so I can get an 8 hr day in. Because Erik isn’t a “morning person” I have been trying to aim for leaving the house at 8 am. That way Erik can drop me off at work at 8:30, and then bring the kids to Nana and Papa’s house. But this whole situation has been very enlightening. First of all, I am gaining a new appreciation for how much pain Erik actually is in every day. All of the drama of getting himself ready usually goes on after I’ve already been at work for several hours-so I wasn’t really aware of the moaning, the pain, the dryheaving. It’s really sad. And he isn’t laying around being lazy until Little House on the Prairie is over…..he is waiting until his pain medications kick in. He can barely function before that happens. I have been trying to help….getting his drink in the morning, bringing him his pills, getting the kids ready without his help. Some days I don’t think I have as much patience as I should have. And I feel guilty for being grouchy or sensitive to his mood swings. I need to just realize that he’s in pain, and it’s not my fault. He’s not mad at me, he just doesn’t feel good. On an entirely selfish note, It also scares the begeebees out of me because it makes me more aware of the fact that his “good” days may be more numbered then I had thought. My biggest fear is that his ability to work will be compromised sooner rather than later, and all of the responsibility (for children, household stuff, and finances) will rest on my shoulders. I question whether or not I am capable of handling that. Our house right now is A MESS! After working all day, driving back and forth to daycare, buying groceries, and zooming back and forth to practices and games I am too exhausted to think straight—let alone do laundry and dishes. Part of me thinks that I should just give up t.v. entirely. That would free a couple hours every day that I could use to try and catch up on housework. But part of me needs that downtime every night. Besides, that is kind of the time Erik and I share to reconnect. I am just overwhelmed.
August 1, 2007
Well, Erik’s days have gotten a little bit better. After some insistence he went to a pain specialist who gave him a epidural injection of kenalog (cortisone) and lidocaine. He had a headache for a few days after, but then he started to feel better. He started complaining about his feet and neck (which is a good sign, because that means that his back pain must not of been as intense for him to have noticed other areas that weren’t AS troublesome). He started football practices on Monday, July 30th, so we will see if he is continuing to improve. He is coaching 1st and 2nd graders this year (Ohio State) so the practices will be 30 minutes shorter and hopefully not quite as intense. He has also chosen to take himself off of his “anti-anxiety” medication. He thinks not being in pain will decrease his mood swings. I think it may be a little early to make such a big decision, but I will support him. I am excited to see him optimistic!
August 18th, 2007
Well getting off the anti-anxiety medication turned out to not be such a good idea. He had LOTS and LOTS of dizziness. He complained about it for about a week, then refilled the medication, and ta-da, it's gone. So that's good. I was a little afraid that the dizziness was a side effect from the epidural, so it's reassuring to know that it's just the medicine and it's not an issue anymore. This last week he had a cold. Well, to most it was just a cold. He always experiences all of the common day things....colds, headaches....much more intensely. He seems to be over it now though. Overall I think things are looking up for the most part. Last week he took the kids with him to Chelsea's practice so I could take a break, that was very much appreciated! I am just hoping that this "good" streak continues on for a long time. Of course, if you referred to it as a good streak he would come up with a myriad of complaints. He's not an optimistic chap....but, from an objective family members point of view, he's doing well. We also went out last Saturday to see his friend, Andre, perform at a Comedy Club with Erik's sister and her friend....the service at Jillian's for dinner was horrible. But, Erik didn't wear his braces all night, and I think that was a small milestone. He doesn't wear them at the pool of course, and I think he gained enough confidence to try and get along "without" them in public. He has to wear them on both legs because during his hip replacement he suffered nerve damage and a "drop" foot on one leg. The other one he wore just for balance sake. He doesn't like them. They cause horrible calluses and occasionally infections....but more than that he just doesn't like that he has to wear calf socks (to protect his legs from the rubbing braces) and can only wear New Balance shoes (because they are the only ones wide enough to accommodate his braces). He has been tossing around the idea of just getting "regular" shoes again, so he can wear them without his braces. Once again, a small glimmer of optimism. Of course there is no cure for S.E.D. I just want him to be comfortable. I want the pain to be more of the exception than the rule. I want him to be happy and optimistic again.
September 6, 2007
Today is Thursday. On Tuesday night Erik fell on some dirty laundry piled on the floor and there was a very loud, audible "POP." He couldn't walk on it yesterday so he went to see the Dr. for x-rays. There was clearly a fracture, but they aren't sure if it's a stress fracture or a new break so they sent him this morning to do a bone scan. When we receive those results we will have more information as to what the course of treatment will be.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Monday, April 9, 2007
olivia's past life
I don’t know the appropriate word…..if it’s intuitive or psychic, but Olivia most definitely has some “abilities.” I am writing this down now in my journal, because I don’t know how long it will last, and I don’t want to forget the details.
My first experience was in the van a few weeks ago. I had picked up the kids at Nana and Papa’s house and was on my way home. I was zoning out, thinking to myself about what I was going to make for dinner, running an inventory of everything I had at home in the pantry when I thought silently to myself, “Well, I don’t have to worry about pleasing Olivia, she loves food.” When all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Olivia says, “Mom, I love food!” I was startled. I thought for a second and confirmed to myself that I hadn’t said that out loud, and yet she recited by thoughts verbatim. What a strange coincidence, I thought. Then I went back to planning my evening.
THEN, a few weeks later we were in the van on the way home and I was once again daydreaming. We had been in the car for about 20 minutes and were on the south side of 465 when we passed a Country Inns and Suites hotel and my thoughts started wondering to my ex-boyfriend Steve. I was just rambling in my head…..I wonder if he still lives in the same house, if he’s with someone now, if he’s married…..when all of a sudden, once again out of the blue, Olivia says, “Mom, I want Steve!” This of course made me turn my head around quickly and almost stop the car! I know I didn’t say anything out loud. We don’t have any family members or even friends named Steve….I had no idea where that came from! When I said, “What!?!?!?!?” She replied, “My Steve doll (from Blue’s Clues) it’s in the floor….. Why would she ask for that after we had been in the car for almost half an hour, out of nowhere?
I have been trying to talk to her off and on, asking her questions, searching for answers….. so far I discovered that she had two doctors, Michael and Dharma, that gave her medicine that she liked to drink. They had a camel, but she couldn’t remember it’s name. And an elephant, named Döya (pronounced Doy-like toy, ya). She said her name used to be (spelled phoetically) Duh dee yuk.
August 1, 2007
The other day I was cleaning Chelsea’s room, after cleaning Olivia, Ryan and Rebekah’s room, and Olivia was talking about a ghost in her room. I asked her to describe him to me and she said his name was, “Gary.” Which was weird. Her grandpa Bear, who died on March 17th, was named Gary of course but I don’t think she’s ever heard us refer to him as that. To them we always call him Grandpa Bear, and other than speaking to them it doesn’t really come up much. BUT, I don’t think, at 3 ½ she has the mental capacity to make all those connections. That Grandpa Bear is Gary. That Gary is dead. That dead people become ghosts. I had never even heard her use the word “ghost.” She’s talked about monsters before. She’s had nightmares about monsters and woken up screaming from a dead sleep, but she’s never talked about ghosts….or Gary either for that matter. It was just strange. I believe, in my heart, that she probably did talk to Gary….and just didn’t recognize him. Maybe he presented himself as younger, perhaps even a little boy, and she didn’t recognize him as Grandpa Bear. I mean she hasn’t seen him in over five months now, and when you are 3 ½ that’s almost 1/7 of your life.
August 13, 2007
This is just a post note I forgot to mention. Another quirky thing. Ever since Olivia was a baby whenever, "Rock a bye baby" came on the radio she would break out into horrible heartbreaking sobs....for no reasonable reason. Now that she is older, I had totally forgotten about her "phobia." I popped in a favorite cd that we hadn't played in a while, and ta-da, she started crying uncontrollably again. Now, though, she is more verbal of course, so I asked her, "Olivia, honey....what's wrong?" She replied, thru her tears and snot soaked face, "Mommy, that song is so SAD." Well, yes, of course, it is sad, when you really listen to the words I guess.....but has she always known that? Has she always understood the words? OR, does she associate it with something else...maybe from a life before this one? It's just strange, unexplainable. The song is sandwiched between "Hokey Pokey" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider" but it never slips by unnoticed. Even music boxes that play that tune, without the words, get her crying unconsolably. Why?
My first experience was in the van a few weeks ago. I had picked up the kids at Nana and Papa’s house and was on my way home. I was zoning out, thinking to myself about what I was going to make for dinner, running an inventory of everything I had at home in the pantry when I thought silently to myself, “Well, I don’t have to worry about pleasing Olivia, she loves food.” When all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Olivia says, “Mom, I love food!” I was startled. I thought for a second and confirmed to myself that I hadn’t said that out loud, and yet she recited by thoughts verbatim. What a strange coincidence, I thought. Then I went back to planning my evening.
THEN, a few weeks later we were in the van on the way home and I was once again daydreaming. We had been in the car for about 20 minutes and were on the south side of 465 when we passed a Country Inns and Suites hotel and my thoughts started wondering to my ex-boyfriend Steve. I was just rambling in my head…..I wonder if he still lives in the same house, if he’s with someone now, if he’s married…..when all of a sudden, once again out of the blue, Olivia says, “Mom, I want Steve!” This of course made me turn my head around quickly and almost stop the car! I know I didn’t say anything out loud. We don’t have any family members or even friends named Steve….I had no idea where that came from! When I said, “What!?!?!?!?” She replied, “My Steve doll (from Blue’s Clues) it’s in the floor….. Why would she ask for that after we had been in the car for almost half an hour, out of nowhere?
I have been trying to talk to her off and on, asking her questions, searching for answers….. so far I discovered that she had two doctors, Michael and Dharma, that gave her medicine that she liked to drink. They had a camel, but she couldn’t remember it’s name. And an elephant, named Döya (pronounced Doy-like toy, ya). She said her name used to be (spelled phoetically) Duh dee yuk.
August 1, 2007
The other day I was cleaning Chelsea’s room, after cleaning Olivia, Ryan and Rebekah’s room, and Olivia was talking about a ghost in her room. I asked her to describe him to me and she said his name was, “Gary.” Which was weird. Her grandpa Bear, who died on March 17th, was named Gary of course but I don’t think she’s ever heard us refer to him as that. To them we always call him Grandpa Bear, and other than speaking to them it doesn’t really come up much. BUT, I don’t think, at 3 ½ she has the mental capacity to make all those connections. That Grandpa Bear is Gary. That Gary is dead. That dead people become ghosts. I had never even heard her use the word “ghost.” She’s talked about monsters before. She’s had nightmares about monsters and woken up screaming from a dead sleep, but she’s never talked about ghosts….or Gary either for that matter. It was just strange. I believe, in my heart, that she probably did talk to Gary….and just didn’t recognize him. Maybe he presented himself as younger, perhaps even a little boy, and she didn’t recognize him as Grandpa Bear. I mean she hasn’t seen him in over five months now, and when you are 3 ½ that’s almost 1/7 of your life.
August 13, 2007
This is just a post note I forgot to mention. Another quirky thing. Ever since Olivia was a baby whenever, "Rock a bye baby" came on the radio she would break out into horrible heartbreaking sobs....for no reasonable reason. Now that she is older, I had totally forgotten about her "phobia." I popped in a favorite cd that we hadn't played in a while, and ta-da, she started crying uncontrollably again. Now, though, she is more verbal of course, so I asked her, "Olivia, honey....what's wrong?" She replied, thru her tears and snot soaked face, "Mommy, that song is so SAD." Well, yes, of course, it is sad, when you really listen to the words I guess.....but has she always known that? Has she always understood the words? OR, does she associate it with something else...maybe from a life before this one? It's just strange, unexplainable. The song is sandwiched between "Hokey Pokey" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider" but it never slips by unnoticed. Even music boxes that play that tune, without the words, get her crying unconsolably. Why?
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