my legacy

Lately I have been plagued with an impending sense of death. Maybe it's just invaded my life too much lately. My friend's 7 year old son died in July, my father-in-law died in March, my stepgrandmother-in-law passed this month. Perhaps it's because I am getting to the age that I remember my dad being sick, and it's made me more cognizant of all of the near death situations he faced. I don't know. But it's really been laying on my mind. Right now the twins are 3 1/2, Ryan is 6, Chelsea just turned 12. How much of me could they possible remember if I didn't wake up tomorrow? And what would I want them to remember?

I have thought about making a box for each of them. Full of pictures. Little stories. Maybe a bottle of my favorite hand lotion (bath and body works brown sugar vanilla) to get their senses all attended to. But let's be honest....I'll never do that. If I had received a diagnosis of a terminal illiness I might make that a priority, but short of that...it will never happen. Which is sad, because most deaths don't give much forewarning, and all of that information in a cute little box made especially for them would be priceless if I were to go. But, in my defense, I do have this blog. It's not much, but it is an insight into who I am and how much I love them.

All of this though....the death issue, the box, what would they remember, had made me start to think. What would I want them to know? What have I learned that I would want to make sure they benefited from before reaching adulthood? They sound like easy questions, until you have to answer them, huh? You have to reach DEEP.

I guess the most important thing I would want them to know is that no matter how horrible and desperate a situation is, you don't have to look long to find something to be thankful for. Concentrate on that.

Also, separate what you have control over, and what only time can resolve--and don't waste time on the first one! My husband spends soooo much time getting stressed out over things that aren't important. Things he can't change. I feel badly that he wastes so much time, but in his defense, irregardless of how little control he has over a situation, he passionately is disturbed by it.

I guess the biggest lesson I have learned: Don't give anyone else your independence. Love someone because you want to...not because you need to. Never put yourself in a situation where you have no choices. Don't substitute someone else's judgement for your own, because they might not have your best interests at heart. They may have a motive. It might not be a conscious motive, but it may lead them to guide you into bad decisions nonetheless. Don't let a boyfriend/girlfriend choose your friends, or your job. Don't allow them to influence your relationships with your family. Keep control of your finances. I learned in my first marriage that loving someone doesn't mean revolving around them. A spouse can be the most important thing, without being the ONLY thing.

The last thing I want them to know about themselves is that the deserve a good life. If they go out to eat at an expensive restaurant and the food is cold, send it back...they deserve better. If they are in a relationship that causes more tears than laughs....re-think it, they deserve better. If they are spending 40 hours plus a week at a job they don't like...look into something else. Find a hobby, go back to school--don't settle for mediocrity. Life is too short and unpredictable to spend unhappy.

Now, in hindsight, after writing all that invaluable advice (hehe) I have to go back and read it....and see if I am following it. Yes. Reading back over it, I think I am. I am optomistic. I am independent (while still in a healthy relationship). AND, most importantly I am happy. I don't have a career, but I never wanted a career. I love the people I work with. I like being able to leave my work behind when I clock out at 4:30 pm. I adore my husband...he's funny, smart, loyal. He's stable. He's also independent. He's not very optomistic, but that's ok. Sometimes there is a fine line between optomistic and naive, and I need him to keep me grounded. The only thing that I have ever felt as though my life was missing was writing. And now, with this blog, I feel better. I feel as though my thoughts are being expressed. Granted, it's not the widely published novel I had fantasized about in the past. Truth be told, I doubt more than a handful of people even read it. But it's all I need. I have a great life.