Other Kids
I know that some parents smoke pot with their kids and allow them to drink at home. Believe it or not, that’s not a “new method” of parenting. It was around when I was 16, and I imagine it was also there when your nana and papa were your age. Those parents try to justify it by saying they are teaching their kids to be responsible drinkers, or that the kids are going to “do it anyway” so why not create a safe environment for them to experiment in? I personally believe that they aren’t doing their kids any favors with that approach…as a matter of fact, they are neglecting their responsibilities. I’m also not going to teach you how to hate groups of people who are different from you, shoplift, or take advantage of people (like some other parents do either) because that’s not the parent I am…and that’s not the kind of adult I’d like you to be. You may not see my point now, and who knows, we may never agree on this issue. But as your mother my job is to give you the tools to make you a responsible adult…not introduce you to all the obstacles that could make that mission difficult, if not impossible.
Entitlement & Empathy
Whether you know it or not, trust me when I say that there is a kid in your school right now, maybe even in your class, that is hungry….and didn’t eat dinner last night. There is another who went to bed at a hotel, or at a friend’s house…and isn’t 100% sure where they will be sleeping tonight. Probably more than one of your peers has the electricity or water at their house shut off in the last month. Making you the envy of your Algebra II class for being the first student through the door with an Iphone 4 isn’t anywhere on my list of priorities…ensuring that you aren’t one of the aforementioned kids…that’s MY job. I’ve provided you with your own room, a cell phone, an iPod touch, a flat screen tv, a dvd player, a class ring, driver’s ed classes….not because I HAVE to (it’s not an entitlement), but because I can. It’s not your right to have these things. There may be a day when you wake up and all of those things are gone, or more likely, there WILL come a day when one of the requests you put forward are denied and it’s not because I don’t love you that day. It’s because I can’t provide those things, I don’t think you’re responsible enough for those things, or I don’t think they are necessary. I refuse to go into debt to maintain an extravagant standard of living for those under my care. Refuse. A parent who chooses to buy their child a pair of UGGS instead of paying their property taxes that month isn’t being a good parent, they are being irresponsible. In a few years you are going to be living in a world that won’t be revolving around your wants and needs. You can’t just get rewarded for being a “good” kid. It’s important that you understand what that means. If you want/need something it’s going to require more than just saying it out loud and clicking your heels together. You’re gonna have to work for it….save….sacrifice….prioritize. They are not the most fun lessons I have to teach you, but they are by far some of the most important.
IT’S NOT FAIR! WHY?!?!?!?!
We are not enemies. I don’t spend every minute of every day looking for new ways to torture you. I enjoy harmony in my house. I like to see you happy. And, although I have on occasion, given in to something out of sheer exhaustion….for the most part, if we are butting heads it because I sincerely believe that I am doing what is in your best interest, not because I want you to suffer. Sometimes I don’t bring you and your friends to the movies because I want you to realize that I am a person, in addition to being your mother, and I am not at your beck and call. I want you to empathize, and understand, that while you were making plans for your Friday night, I was at work, struggling, pulling my hair out, putting out fires, to fund your night out on the town. I might want to go out myself to put the week behind me, or put on my jammies and pass out. I might want to watch something on tv to escape. Or maybe I have a bill to pay and extra money is tight. Or perhaps, just maybe, after working all day I don’t want to drive all over Franklin Township in the dark looking for a house that your new best friend lives in, at a neighborhood that I should be familiar with. And I don’t want to give you $40 to spend on crap when I can’t see the floor of your room and you haven’t done anything to earn it. And I don’t want to get comfortable and relaxed, finally, under my blanket in my nice warm bed only to be awoken by a ringtone alerting me that alas, my alone time is over, you need me to jump again. Please don’t roll your eyes and sigh in exasperation. Understand that there is a reason for my decisions. And, even if you might not understand or relate to those reasons….please respect them. AND, you might find, I’m more likely to bring you and your friends to Walmart the next day…
Favoritism
Now….onto why your sisters and brother are treated differently. Ryan is 9. Olivia and Rebekah are 7. When you were 9 and 7, VERY little was asked of you. Now you are 15. Soon you will be out of the house. Those are two VERY important sentences. At fifteen your life is far from free….movies, hair dye, wireless internet, taco bell for you and your friends, clothes, cell phone plans, gasoline, ball games, class rings, driver’s ed, soon to be car insurance, extracurricular fees. All of those things add up to A LOT of cash. I understand that it was my choice to have kids (of course I understand because you remind me daily!), BUT, having a kid does not require all of the above. Actually, it requires NONE of the above. That’s right. Nothing I just mentioned is required of me. Check the law books…..I’ll wait. As a matter of fact…..I’m not even required to give you your own room, but I wanted you to have a sense of privacy right now. Now, as you become older, and you prepare to be on your own, the very first hard lesson you’ll have to face is NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE. Now don’t get me wrong, as long as it isn’t ruining us financially I have no problem trying to maintain your lifestyle….but, it will not be free. Period. You will occasionally have to babysit your siblings. Clean the living room. Pick up the kitchen. Load the dishwasher. Clean your bathroom. Even, God help us, disinfect your room. Do your laundry. Now, when those occasions present themselves (and it isn’t usually daily) I don’t want you to ignore me, or explain to me how unfair it is. It’s not unfair. You get a lot…for a little. Your brother can live all week on a box of Goldfish crackers and cable. Your sisters would be thrilled with a $1 pack of gum every other day. They don’t ask for much, so their responsibilities are less. I am teaching them to pick up after themselves, and it’s a slow process (way too slow for everyone I agree!), but if you made a list of what everyone in our house got for their buck….you would be WAY in the lead, no contest. And I’m not complaining. Your 15, that’s the way it is. And Ryan, and Bekah, AND Livy will all be 15 someday as well. And perhaps I will save this letter and print it out again….
You don’t know how lucky you are MOM!
I am well aware of all of the bad kids at your school and in your classes. And trust me, I am AMAZINGLY thankful that you aren’t one of them and continue to make me proud with your great decisions and hard work ethic. But, your being a good kid (although makes me very very proud) doesn’t earn you any extra perks. When you get your first job….you won’t get a raise because you aren’t the WORST employee. They’ll look at if you have a good work ethic, get to work on time, try hard, help others, do your best. Everyone is expected to meet those goals. You aren’t blessing us with the miracle of being a great kid; you are doing what’s expected. Let me give you an example. I come home from work every day. I pay our utilities. I purchase food. Am I the most amazing mom ever? No. It’s my job. Do I get trips to the spa because I don’t use our rent money to buy crack? Nope. Do I sleep well at night because I know I’m doing the best I can? Yep. See how that works. You expect me to do my best, and I do…..just as I expect you to do your best…not as a favor, or a reward to me, but because it’s what you should do. It’s in the best interest of everyone, including yourself, to do your best.
Friends
I didn’t have children because I needed friends. Now, don’t get me wrong, hopefully, someday, we can be friends….but right now by only priority is being your mother. When your friends with someone and relate on that level it often times results in losing perspective. If I told you, as a friend, that my biggest fear was that my children would hate me……then ta-da, every time you wanted to go somewhere and I tried to hold on to a firm “NO” I guarantee “I HATE YOU!” would be thrown out. Not intentionally to be mean, just instinctively. It’s an intimate relationship, where you share your fears….likes…..dislikes….hopes…..dreams. Honestly, Chelsea, I don’t think you should know those things about me. It might affect the way you see things, your sense of security, and it might influence who you are/become…and that’s not fair to you. You need to find who you are, without my influence….only my guidance. I think you’re a great friend. And I LIKE your friends. And I hope, someday, that our relationship will grow to a friendship, but right now, while you still need a mother….that is what I will be. I will continue to be patient, and fair, unconditional and loyal. Steady and sincere. Solid. Permanent.
I am sure there will be more letters in the future to address more issues (perhaps you’ll need a binder!) but this is a good start!
I LOVE YOU SISSY!
