Letter to Chelsea…my biggest girl!

Other Kids

I know that some parents smoke pot with their kids and allow them to drink at home. Believe it or not, that’s not a “new method” of parenting. It was around when I was 16, and I imagine it was also there when your nana and papa were your age. Those parents try to justify it by saying they are teaching their kids to be responsible drinkers, or that the kids are going to “do it anyway” so why not create a safe environment for them to experiment in? I personally believe that they aren’t doing their kids any favors with that approach…as a matter of fact, they are neglecting their responsibilities. I’m also not going to teach you how to hate groups of people who are different from you, shoplift, or take advantage of people (like some other parents do either) because that’s not the parent I am…and that’s not the kind of adult I’d like you to be. You may not see my point now, and who knows, we may never agree on this issue. But as your mother my job is to give you the tools to make you a responsible adult…not introduce you to all the obstacles that could make that mission difficult, if not impossible.

Entitlement & Empathy

Whether you know it or not, trust me when I say that there is a kid in your school right now, maybe even in your class, that is hungry….and didn’t eat dinner last night. There is another who went to bed at a hotel, or at a friend’s house…and isn’t 100% sure where they will be sleeping tonight. Probably more than one of your peers has the electricity or water at their house shut off in the last month. Making you the envy of your Algebra II class for being the first student through the door with an Iphone 4 isn’t anywhere on my list of priorities…ensuring that you aren’t one of the aforementioned kids…that’s MY job. I’ve provided you with your own room, a cell phone, an iPod touch, a flat screen tv, a dvd player, a class ring, driver’s ed classes….not because I HAVE to (it’s not an entitlement), but because I can. It’s not your right to have these things. There may be a day when you wake up and all of those things are gone, or more likely, there WILL come a day when one of the requests you put forward are denied and it’s not because I don’t love you that day. It’s because I can’t provide those things, I don’t think you’re responsible enough for those things, or I don’t think they are necessary. I refuse to go into debt to maintain an extravagant standard of living for those under my care. Refuse. A parent who chooses to buy their child a pair of UGGS instead of paying their property taxes that month isn’t being a good parent, they are being irresponsible. In a few years you are going to be living in a world that won’t be revolving around your wants and needs. You can’t just get rewarded for being a “good” kid. It’s important that you understand what that means. If you want/need something it’s going to require more than just saying it out loud and clicking your heels together. You’re gonna have to work for it….save….sacrifice….prioritize. They are not the most fun lessons I have to teach you, but they are by far some of the most important.

IT’S NOT FAIR! WHY?!?!?!?!

We are not enemies. I don’t spend every minute of every day looking for new ways to torture you. I enjoy harmony in my house. I like to see you happy. And, although I have on occasion, given in to something out of sheer exhaustion….for the most part, if we are butting heads it because I sincerely believe that I am doing what is in your best interest, not because I want you to suffer. Sometimes I don’t bring you and your friends to the movies because I want you to realize that I am a person, in addition to being your mother, and I am not at your beck and call. I want you to empathize, and understand, that while you were making plans for your Friday night, I was at work, struggling, pulling my hair out, putting out fires, to fund your night out on the town. I might want to go out myself to put the week behind me, or put on my jammies and pass out. I might want to watch something on tv to escape. Or maybe I have a bill to pay and extra money is tight. Or perhaps, just maybe, after working all day I don’t want to drive all over Franklin Township in the dark looking for a house that your new best friend lives in, at a neighborhood that I should be familiar with. And I don’t want to give you $40 to spend on crap when I can’t see the floor of your room and you haven’t done anything to earn it. And I don’t want to get comfortable and relaxed, finally, under my blanket in my nice warm bed only to be awoken by a ringtone alerting me that alas, my alone time is over, you need me to jump again. Please don’t roll your eyes and sigh in exasperation. Understand that there is a reason for my decisions. And, even if you might not understand or relate to those reasons….please respect them. AND, you might find, I’m more likely to bring you and your friends to Walmart the next day…

Favoritism

Now….onto why your sisters and brother are treated differently. Ryan is 9. Olivia and Rebekah are 7. When you were 9 and 7, VERY little was asked of you. Now you are 15. Soon you will be out of the house. Those are two VERY important sentences. At fifteen your life is far from free….movies, hair dye, wireless internet, taco bell for you and your friends, clothes, cell phone plans, gasoline, ball games, class rings, driver’s ed, soon to be car insurance, extracurricular fees. All of those things add up to A LOT of cash. I understand that it was my choice to have kids (of course I understand because you remind me daily!), BUT, having a kid does not require all of the above. Actually, it requires NONE of the above. That’s right. Nothing I just mentioned is required of me. Check the law books…..I’ll wait. As a matter of fact…..I’m not even required to give you your own room, but I wanted you to have a sense of privacy right now. Now, as you become older, and you prepare to be on your own, the very first hard lesson you’ll have to face is NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE. Now don’t get me wrong, as long as it isn’t ruining us financially I have no problem trying to maintain your lifestyle….but, it will not be free. Period. You will occasionally have to babysit your siblings. Clean the living room. Pick up the kitchen. Load the dishwasher. Clean your bathroom. Even, God help us, disinfect your room. Do your laundry. Now, when those occasions present themselves (and it isn’t usually daily) I don’t want you to ignore me, or explain to me how unfair it is. It’s not unfair. You get a lot…for a little. Your brother can live all week on a box of Goldfish crackers and cable. Your sisters would be thrilled with a $1 pack of gum every other day. They don’t ask for much, so their responsibilities are less. I am teaching them to pick up after themselves, and it’s a slow process (way too slow for everyone I agree!), but if you made a list of what everyone in our house got for their buck….you would be WAY in the lead, no contest. And I’m not complaining. Your 15, that’s the way it is. And Ryan, and Bekah, AND Livy will all be 15 someday as well. And perhaps I will save this letter and print it out again….

You don’t know how lucky you are MOM!

I am well aware of all of the bad kids at your school and in your classes. And trust me, I am AMAZINGLY thankful that you aren’t one of them and continue to make me proud with your great decisions and hard work ethic. But, your being a good kid (although makes me very very proud) doesn’t earn you any extra perks. When you get your first job….you won’t get a raise because you aren’t the WORST employee. They’ll look at if you have a good work ethic, get to work on time, try hard, help others, do your best. Everyone is expected to meet those goals. You aren’t blessing us with the miracle of being a great kid; you are doing what’s expected. Let me give you an example. I come home from work every day. I pay our utilities. I purchase food. Am I the most amazing mom ever? No. It’s my job. Do I get trips to the spa because I don’t use our rent money to buy crack? Nope. Do I sleep well at night because I know I’m doing the best I can? Yep. See how that works. You expect me to do my best, and I do…..just as I expect you to do your best…not as a favor, or a reward to me, but because it’s what you should do. It’s in the best interest of everyone, including yourself, to do your best.

Friends

I didn’t have children because I needed friends. Now, don’t get me wrong, hopefully, someday, we can be friends….but right now by only priority is being your mother. When your friends with someone and relate on that level it often times results in losing perspective. If I told you, as a friend, that my biggest fear was that my children would hate me……then ta-da, every time you wanted to go somewhere and I tried to hold on to a firm “NO” I guarantee “I HATE YOU!” would be thrown out. Not intentionally to be mean, just instinctively. It’s an intimate relationship, where you share your fears….likes…..dislikes….hopes…..dreams. Honestly, Chelsea, I don’t think you should know those things about me. It might affect the way you see things, your sense of security, and it might influence who you are/become…and that’s not fair to you. You need to find who you are, without my influence….only my guidance. I think you’re a great friend. And I LIKE your friends. And I hope, someday, that our relationship will grow to a friendship, but right now, while you still need a mother….that is what I will be. I will continue to be patient, and fair, unconditional and loyal. Steady and sincere. Solid. Permanent.

I am sure there will be more letters in the future to address more issues (perhaps you’ll need a binder!) but this is a good start!

I LOVE YOU SISSY!

because I said so....

Sometimes I don’t know who is more rotten or difficult….Erik or Chelsea! I am sure he would kill me for saying that (but just between you and I) it’s right as rain. They are never just “happy,” there has to be something to bitch about. Yesterday, I made Erik breakfast in bed (which in my house meant going to the grocery, chopping & measuring ingredients, cleaning the dishes, beating the kids back from the stove)…..He responded unenthusiastically with ”this bacon is a little too crispy” And you know what, it was…..BUT, had the situation been reversed, I would NEVER have said that out loud. I would have eaten it anyway, or said I was stuffed…but criticism, that wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have the nerve, after someone went out of their way, to brush it off like it was no big deal and critique their efforts. And Chelsea has made it her mission to fight with me three times a day about every single meal. I could tell her that for dinner we are having Taco Bell Cheese Quesadillas and Cheesecake for dessert…..and she would complain…..”You know I don’t like to eat Taco Bell on MONDAYS! UMPH! *stomp off into her room and slam shut her door* It is ridiculous. And, the worst part about it, is that the others are starting to follow suit as well.

The horrible thing about all the negativity is that it’s starting to ruin my mood…..and my outlook. This morning I woke up and just didn’t even want to bother getting dressed. I don’t even want to be a part of it. I’ve just had all the wind sucked out of me, you know? I don’t have the energy or the patience to cater to everyone, and I am tired of being optimistic and expecting anything to change, you know?

erik, chelsea, happy

the tooth fairy

Ryan- 6 years, 2 months (lost 1st tooth)

Ryan lost his first tooth. About a week ago he ran into my room excited and nervous because his “tooth was shaking.” He was really excited about it. I told him that he wasn’t allowed to lose it. And if he lost his tooth before his very first picture day I would glue it back in…but he wiggled it nonetheless. He lost it at school and was very excited when I picked him up at Nana and Papa’s that day. He had it wrapped in toilet paper and carried it carefully in a ziplock baggie. But then it wasn’t even talked about for the rest of the night…so needless to say the tooth fairy kind of “dropped the ball.” It wasn’t until the next day when he came grumbling out to the car that I realized what he was upset about. I brought him the dollar bill she left, and explained that she had put it on his t.v. so it wouldn’t get lost. It didn’t satisfy him though…he only got a dollar, and apparently Ben Ben got TWENTY FIVE CENTS! I've attached a picture of his new imperfect smile.

It reminded me a little bit of when Chelsea lost her first tooth. We put it on the dresser so it wouldn’t get lost and in the morning we saw what the toothfairy had done. It was a big tadoo with a card from the toothfairy congratulating her on doing such a great job brushing her teeth, and sugarfree gum, and $5. The next time she lost a tooth we put it under the pillow, as is custom, and she got a dollar. And then the third time, when it was time to leave the tooth again, she said she didn’t want to leave it under the pillow, she wanted to leave it on the dresser. Because when she left it on the dresser she got $5, gum and a card….but when she put it under the pillow she only got $1! Like there was a secret spot in the room that inspired the tooth fairy to be more generous! It was priceless.

e-mails

Here are some emails that a couple of girlfriends and I sent back and forth today, I put a lot of thought into my responses and think that A) it says a lot about me and my state of mind right now, and B) might be helpful for myself to look back on someday when I need that advice!

To Angie re: having a bad day

I am so sorry that you had such a bad day. Some days are just like that! I had a yucky day too. I just cried and cried and cried off and on all day. Anyway, I started my period, I have only $16.42 in my checking account until Friday (I couldn’t even get a drink at Starbucks, I had to get all parched and then suck down the warm diet cherry coke I had left in the car when we were done at yoga last night—although of course I didn’t tell ANYONE that!). The little light on my gas tank came on when I pulled into work, so I am going to have to use most of that $16 to get some gas to keep me going until Friday morning. I had some leftover pizza when I got back last night, only to discover that Chelsea had broken a glass on the counter earlier that evening and the secret topping in my pizza wasn’t really hard/gritty onion, but instead shards of glass, lol. I suspect she is trying to kill me, hehe. I guess she didn’t succeed, because I haven’t had any side effects as of yet……..btw, if you happen to run into a dr. today at work ask if small pieces of glass can slowly kill you or rip apart your intestine, lol. And I guess tonight I will have to write a bad check to Hungry Howies (because I have no food and they take DAYS to process their checks). OR, go to Kroger, buy some groceries, and write the bad check for $20 over the amount so I can have some gas money too…..Kroger takes about 3 days too, so I MIGHT just get away with it.

Hope you have a better day today!

Have faith in yourself, you know what’s best for your son. You are a great mom.

Be nice to your husband [a police officer] (I like him, and he carries a gun, lol).

Men are jerks sometimes. I mean, we mothers can’t be perfect ALL the time for goodness sakes! Even God took off the seventh day! It always amazes me how Erik never notices me juggling 1200 balls effortlessly, but is so quick to stop the world from rotating on its axis if God forbid one hits the floor. Don’t let your husband make you feel bad for dropping the ball….make a point to recognize all the great things you accomplished this week, heck….even just today.

But seriously, time will fix all of these problems. Just “keep swimming.”

To Melissa re: Happy Birthday

The kids are doing fine. Chelsea has registration tonight. She is just “itching” to buy all her school supplies and stuff. We can’t even start until we know what class she is in because each room is so freakin’ specific. Sometimes it makes me wonder if they are all teaching the same curriculum. How come one needs a protractor and the other needs a disposable camera? Ryan has a “meet the teacher” on August 8^th. It’s not for the kids though, just for the parents. I have to bring in his school supplies and stuff (which is good because they have to bring in SOOO much stuff-I didn’t want to send it all in on that first day). I went with him the other day and let him pick out his backpack. He got a Spiderman one with a mini-skateboard. What a little man! The other day I brought him and and his cousin to Burger King and to see Ratatouille (great movie by the way-Finding Nemo good) and I stopped at Target to get their pics taken—my little men, getting ready to start kindergarten! They are so cute! Flexing their muscles and stuff.

Chelsea, well…..she’s just Chelsea. Drama. Drama. Drama. Sometimes I think her entire world is a stage and her family is just the inadequate understudies she got stuck with. It’s as though she has some invisible script that no one else can see…..and we just keep have to keep doing the same scene over and over and over again until we get the lines right and complete it to her satisfaction! The arguments are so ridiculous, and redundant. Usually it’s her attitude and tone, which of course is a gray area that pre-teens like to exploit. I can’t PROVE that she rolled her eyes, so in her mind she can’t be called out for it. I think it will be a close race in the end….her graduating from high school alive, and me keeping my sanity. I just hope there is enough left to struggle my way through the other three’s adolescence.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Mine is coming up September 22^nd. I pretty much have put it on the calendar as being a sucky day. It’s not as though anything catastrophic happens to make it horrible, but any not so great thing is WAY exaggerated when it happens on your birthday. That is the day you were born. The day the world changed. There should be parades, ballads, sonnets for Christ’s sake! People should be reflecting on how your birth changed their lives (the world at large) and singing your praises. They should be thanking you, honoring you. It should be the one day a year when you are not taken for granted-----BUT, it’s not. And it won’t be. Probably ever. Put it on your calendar as just another day, cause truth be told…..your kids (and maybe even your husband), they aren’t thinking about the enormous ramifications of your birth and how thankful they should be that you came into their lives—they are just wanting cake! And probably, in your husband’s case, sex. You have to make this day special, if not “today” then some day soon. Do something for yourself. Ask your mom to watch the kids at your house and go to hers to take a nap. Call a friend, ahem, and schedule a movie. Meet someone at the Cheesecake Factory for some well needed sugar. Or do all three. Honor yourself. Reward yourself. Be proud of yourself. You’ve accomplished a lot these last 6 years Melissa, and you are working hard to make some big changes in the future—for yourself and your family. They will be proud of you for that someday, but you owe it to yourself to be proud today. Just make a decision that no matter what you are going to take a deep breath and be happy today….I mean look at all you have to look forward too….cake AND sex, lol.

NOW---Go get your cake on girlfriend.

angie, melissa, chelsea, ryan, birthday

stay at home mom?

This is my first day after layoff, at home, with all of the children.....I really realized that I miss my co-workers, and bathroom breaks, and ability to communicate in a language that all involved understand. My husband, who I dare say doesn't let them outdoors on his watch, wanted me to pack all three up (Ryan, 4 and Olivia and Rebekah, 2) and run them downtown to the city/county building to drop off papers, meet him for lunch at the statehouse, go to the bank to cash a check, fill the van up with gas, return overdue movies to Family Video, drop by CVS to pick up some Tylenol and athletic tape, AND do a load of whites. Of course I got the wrong kind of tape. WHAT A LONG DAY! OK, to be fair to Erik, he just asked me to pick up the tape, go to the attorney, and do a load of whites—everything else just kind of evolved. But to be fair to me, I also make breakfast, supper, picked up the living room, gave all three baths, and folded (although not put away) 2 loads of laundry. I am quite proud of what I accomplished, although I wish it wasn’t followed by a melt down of screaming and crying before the day was over.

And for all of you in my M.O.M.S. group this will have some significance. Although I am sure it is illegal and dangerous, I stick that votive candle we received during class in the cup holder of my van and light it very so softly while I am driving to remind me to find my inner self, relax, and ask the spirits/saints for help through the day. It is silly but it helps me to find peace, and drowned out the Rugrats in Paris cd that’s on eternal replay.

I've realized that I have to do some journaling this summer! And I have to arrange some playgroups. And clean carpets. And sort through summer clothes. Speaking of which---if any of you have any summer clothes for sizes 18 mos girl, 3t girl, and/or 4t boy PLEASE let me know and I will take them off of your hands! Even for a small fee. I couldn't imagine taking everyone shopping! And our budget when I am laid off doesn't allow for much. And I have to teach the girls to blow bubbles, 'cause right now they think those sticks are soapy suckers! I have to work on teaching my son the alphabet and fine tune colors. Potty train the girls. Get the wheel on the double stroller fixed. AND, if I have some extra time, they had kits on sale at Target the other day so I picked one to fix me up some rather fashionable leg warmers :)

I don't even know where to start!

On a happy note though there were a lot of happy moments! Last night after the girls were in bed we put Ryan down and we heard some rustling so we turned up the monitor....imagine our surprise and delight when we heard our 4 year old serenading the babies with the sweetest song....."Go to sleep, Go to sleep. Go to sleep Olivi-wah and Beka-wah" Isn't that sweet? That's what he calls them. Of course even after two and a half years he doesn’t know which one is which, but he at least he knows their names. Most of the time he just refers to them as “the babies.” I guess he doesn’t want to get attached. And they all behaved well today, saying hi and see ya’ when appropriate. That's an improvement! I remember when Ryan was 2 he was having a meltdown at McDonald's and when the sweetest little old woman stopped to tell him it would be OK he looked at her and cried, "I hate you!" The before mentioned story will always be known as my most embarrassing moment!

Jeez, I feel like I am writing a column for some demented mom newsletter. SO anyway, my husband popped in long enough to say hi and watch the kids for 15 minutes so I could run my last errand---he has a Pacers game with his buddy. With that being said after I put the kids to bed, at 8:02 pm to be exact, I will be opening up the year old Berringer in our fridge, taking a long shower, and "melting away" in some kind of pseudo-celebration of my first day, this summer, as a stay at home mom!

Later….

OK, its 9:02 pm (Damn that new daylight savings time! How can I put the kids to bed when the sun is still shining!) And I haven’t popped open the Berringer. I don’t want to face tomorrow with a hangover…..and besides that I am afraid that unbeknownst to me I may have an addictive personality disorder. I don’t see it in myself so much, but it frightens me when Olivia jumps up and down and crumbles into a ball of snot and tears like a heroin addict when I refuse her the 20th popsicle…..and my son with his chocolate milk in the morning….well, it’s reminiscent of a 50 year smoker jonesin’ for that first hit of the day. Besides, who needs wine? It’s the week before Easter and there is a special on Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs. Aha! Maybe my addictive personality is not so much a secret.

I don’t know about the shower either yet. It’s still undecided. I know it will make me feel better after the fact, but I am SOOOOO tired!

You know it’s so funny when we go out in public and five hundred people look at me with the double stroller and the boy holding onto the side and remark, “Boy, you have YOUR hands full!” That always strikes me as funny. Not real funny of course, because stating the obvious is just asinine. But it’s almost like a backhanded compliment it seems. I mean I know that they are just trying to make conversation and taking notice of my obvious overwhelmed ness (is that a word? Wait, never mind. Word tells me it’s not. But I can’t think of a simile so bear with me). It always seems to imply to me though that I “got in over my head.” And, although I used protection for 3 out of my 4 children, I “asked for it.” Now that my twins have left their infancy though I realize….I didn’t “ask” for it, I was blessed with it. They are each SO special. And I don’t say that as a “idealistic mother earth” person—you know, one of those people who think their destiny in life was to be a mother, breastfeed their children ‘til their five, and seem to have perfect children. I say it as an exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed mom.

Chelsea, although challenging, is so compassionate, and has such a strong sense of right and wrong. She is so quick to defend the underdog and so much smarter than me.

Ryan, he is SOOO sweet. He’s not feminine, just sweet. He has a hilarious sense of humor as well. Like singing to his sisters. And the other day, when Chelsea had misbehaved and I punished her by not buying her a candy bar at the store---he matter of factly have her half of his, with a nonchalant, “Here, Chels.” Not to undermine me, just because it was the right thing to do.

And Olivia, she is the most sensitive. The artist’s soul. The poet. She’s the one that will sit with crayons and paper and disappear into her own world. Not casually making marks on the paper like her twin, she is very precise in her markings, almost as if she were entranced. She could sit alone for 30 minutes with only a pen and a blank piece of paper to entertain her. She is social, but has no fears of being alone. She always amazes me with her compassion and empathy. Every time she sees a new kid she immediately runs up to them and comments on their shirt, or their hair. Whatever stands them apart, just to let them know she accepts them. And it’s so funny to see her play with others….every time one of them falls (which is rather common amongst toddlers) she falls right down with them. I’m not sure if she thinks it’s a game, or if she doesn’t want them to be embarrassed—but I think it’s an insight into how amazing of a person she will be. Just the other day her daddy was playing that crazy game where the parent pretends to cry if they don’t get a kiss, and instead of the usual giggling reaction….Olivia bawled for five minutes. Just devastated that she had caused her daddy to cry.

And Bekah, well, she’s a personality all her own! She is a funny one, like her brother. She would rather laugh then do just about anything. She is going to be the boss of whatever she does in life. She shares Chelsea’s determination. She has a little OCD I think. Well, a little from me and a little from her dad…so actually it’s quite a bit! She has determined herself my helper/supervisor. Every chore I do throughout the house she is standing in waiting, watching my every move. When I start to load the dishwasher, she is scrimmaging under the sink grabbing the detergent. When I am washing dishes she is sitting on the countertop deciphering what should be done next, “Here mom” she says matter of factly, as she hands me a bowl or a cup. When I am doing laundry her little 20 pound self sits perched up on the corner, throwing clothes in, shutting the lid, pushing the button, and then, when I put her down, she walks away patting her hands together like she’s just accomplished the task all by herself and is ready for the next one. She has this “exactness” in all of her chores. She throws her diaper in the trash. When it’s time for bed, she runs across the room and turns off the TV, like it was her decision. When it’s time to pick up she immediately stops everything she’s doing and puts each thing in its place while the others whine, argue, and delay the inevitable. I swear if I don’t get them both potty-trained soon she will be changing her sister! Every time I lay Olivia on her back she scrambles to the basket to bring me the diapers and then the box of wipes. None of my other children even notice detail, and yet it seems to be what rules and motivates her. I’ve never seen that kind of preciseness in a spirit so young.
So, back to my original point (you may have to refer back to page 2, I’ll wait), saying that I have my hands full……albeit true is just ludicrous. I have a family of such different spirits and hearts and souls, the idea that I should have stopped at two is just ridiculous. That’s like God saying, “You don’t need a right AND left arm, I’ll just take one, you’ll never notice!” Even though they all got here at different times and under different circumstances, they are not by any means more than I can handle. I couldn’t imagine living without any single one of them. They together make up who I am, and without each individual piece it would all crumble as a whole. They are amazing….and I am just lucky to love them.

With that being said I guess my goal tomorrow is the same as every day before today, be patient. I did fine today until about 3:30. I don’t know if it’s because Chelsea came home from school with her customary “Bull in a China Shop” entrance or because I was exhausted and didn’t get as much nap as I needed. I need to not blow up and teach them to yell and snap at one another tomorrow. And lead by example. Focus on using my words, and saying please and thank you. Help them to find solutions, instead of yelling at them all and taking prisoners later. Take lots of deep breaths, and then a few more, and then…..when I can’t take it anymore…..put in Rugrats in Paris and breathe for a few more minutes. I know it’s easy to say all of this in reflection when they are in bed and the house is quiet, but I need to really work into implementing these ideas into my life. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, so I won’t be in the “swing of things.” It’s harder when you aren’t on the same day with your schedules in synch. But this week I am not going to expect much of myself, I am just scoping things out and trying to come up with a schedule. Maybe by Friday I will pull out the crayons and paper and in a week or two be ready for play-doh. Introduce the letter “A.” Watch less TV, read more books. Start teaching them instead of watching them.

My hope is to one day let all my children read this—so they will know that although their memories are sorted, I really did my best. I think that when you become “middle aged” (ha ha) you forget how hard and emotional it is dealing with kids, and I want them to read my journal as solace to their struggles—preferably while I am retired in an RV down in Florida. I think that as children we never really get to know our parents as people. Even as adults. We never open ourselves up to the idea that they have thoughts, and hopes, and dreams, and their own lives. Maybe this will help close that gap. Give them an insight to my personality. We will see how it works. Maybe if I turn to this as a source of communication while I am home for the summer I won’t be as frustrated, it seems to help.