my new job

Last Monday (May 22nd) I started a new job. It’s 80% the same job really, but I was promoted to the lead operator instead of just an operator. It’s year round, so I don’t get the summers off. But I got a $2/hr raise and everyone/thing is getting more expensive. I knew eventually the time would come that I would have to work year round, but I was hoping to put it off longer, until the twins started school. Honestly though, there never would have been a “good” time. I started searching for this job when Chelsea was five, the summer before she started kindergarten. I realized that her “childhood” was over in a sense and the only time I had spent with her were those frustrating, exhausting hours before 6 pm and 9 pm, and that hadn’t been enough. I had paid off all of my bills and at the time, financially, I was in a good position, so I looked for more flexibility….hence, my job. I worked September til April I got the summer off to draw unemployment and play with Chelsea. Of course within 30 days my situation had changed, I had broken up with my three year boyfriend, and moved back in with my parents. And, shortly after that I became pregnant with Ryan. But he was due in the summer, when I was laid off, so it continued to be an arrangement that worked. I loved having my summers off to make up for some of the time I was at work and denied them during the year. I was truly lucky to have had that opportunity for all of the years that I did. That being said, everyone is getting more expensive. Last year I couldn’t even buy a present for Chelsea’s 9th birthday, because it fell in the month of August when we are out of unemployment and seriously struggling until September when I go back to work and my checks start coming in. I was raised in a family when we were constantly denied because we didn’t “have the money” and that wasn’t a legacy I wanted to continue. I didn’t want them to miss opportunities because we couldn’t afford it.

What’s been the most surprising is Erik’s reaction. He hasn’t really said much, just little conversations here and there, but I think he has a lot of mixed emotions about it. He’s always said that going to work full-time was my choice, and he didn’t mind struggling in the summer because kids “need their mommies.” I always thought that was sweet, that he was supportive. He’s never been controlling, and he’s never “put me down.” We always have had separate checking accounts and I was in complete control of my finances and my life. I always felt as though we were equals, somewhat. I mean I always instinctively took control of the house, because with work and coaching he didn’t have much time to devote to it. And he always paid the bills because he worked year round and his finances were more stable. But I think our relationship isn’t always the partnership that I believe it is. I think he liked it when I was home all summer because he could leave with the house a mess and feel no responsibility towards it….it was “my job.” And he’s hesitant about my new job because now our roles might change. I doubt it would inspire him to do a load of laundry, but he feels guilty now. Almost like he’s jealous, kind of, that we are equals. Last week I was looking through the bills and I saw quite a few that were late….not substantially, but I didn’t see the need in paying late fees when I once again will be getting a paycheck. I told him to let me know what he couldn’t pay with this check and he replied, “Oh, you just pay daycare, groceries, and gas….I’ll take care of the rest.” It kind of hurt my feelings. I mean here I am bringing in paychecks and finally in the position that I could contribute to the family financially, instead of always feeling like a burden, and instead of welcoming that he’s not acknowledging it. For years we have been praying, if Erik gets that $200/month raise then our world would change….we could get a new car, get new furniture, etc, etc, etc…. Now my income has changed substantially and he’s not really excited about it. After overtime we will probably bring in the same amount. He said it won’t really “change” his life that much, and that he liked knowing that the kids were at home with me and they were safe. I think he liked knowing that he was taking care of us….that we depended on him….that we needed him. I think that he feels as though he has somewhat failed, because I have taken on more financial responsibility, and that makes me sad. I don’t think he’s failed at all. We have all of our needs met because of him. That being said, I am glad that I am working. He gets so stressed and depressed and frustrated, as do I, at our inability to make ends meet. I was hoping that I could help him. That we could work together. That I could be an asset instead of an expense. But he’s not open to that yet, I don’t think his ego will allow it. The only thing that I can do, I guess, is pay bills that come in before he sees them (which won’t be really hard because he doesn’t pay close attention to the mail.) He isn’t one of those people that knows the power bill will be due the 7th of each month, unless he sees it he doesn’t pay it. And, I can build up a savings account. And pay for little things…..dates, concerts, camps. Extra things that will help our family but aren’t in our budget.