how to be a big brother

Today this journal writing is a practice of discipline. I am really tired and would rather be sleeping…but I made a commitment, so here I am. That being said, I never commited to it being a long entry.

This last weekend we went to Illinois for Easter, yesterday Olivia had an appointment at the eye doctor, and today….well, today I am just exhausted. Hence the irritability and lack of thought.

Ryan said something the Friday before we left that I thought was funny though, so I have to get it down. I can’t find the paper now that I jotted it down on though, so I have to remember it. I repeated it a couple of times over the weekend though, so hopefully it will be accurate. I told Ryan, “Hey, did you know Ben Ben is going to have a new baby?” “Is it just going to be one baby, or two?” he asked. “Just one,” I said. “So, you know” I replied, “you are going to have to teach Ben Ben how to be a big brother. What are you going to tell him.” Ryan said, “You can’t let your babies get hurt. And you can’t let people throw toys at them.” He paused for just a minute and continued on, “You can’t let your babies get hit by a car. I know everything about babies.” Finally, he ended the conversation with, “And you can’t let your baby get lost, or someone will get he.” I just thought that was a funny conversation. You know I tell him things here and there, unaware of how much he retains, so it was interesting to hear what things he remembered. What he thought was important to know.

Another idea that I wanted to talk about was being a mom. You know I am only 32 years old. I think it’s important to say that because I know to Chelsea, Ryan, Olivia, and Rebekah think that is old….but when they are in their late twenties/early thirties and read this journal they will know, 32 isn’t really old. I still have a lot I want to do, a lot I want to see, a lot I want to achieve. I want to be a writer. I want to intelligently throw together all the random thoughts in my head and give them to people. And then, when those people are reading those ideas, I want them to laugh and cry and think---as much as I do as I write them down. I want to sleep in. I want to hop in the car in a moment’s notice and visit my grandma Eichem in Enfield, Illinois….who I haven’t seen in almost 10 years—‘cause I miss her, and I need her. I want to runaway with my husband and laugh, and talk, and sleep, and date….things we never got a chance to do because we were parents before we were even really newlyweds. I love meeting people I don’t know and building friendships with them, because in their eyes I see who “Cindy” is….not mom, or wife, or employee, or daughter. But, unfortunately, because time doesn’t allow, I can’t nurture those relationships past their infancy….and I don’t have a lot of “close” friends. And that’s my fault, not anyone else’s. Erik would allow me all the time I wanted or needed if I asked him, but I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a path.

So my commitment now, other than this journal, is to make a plan. First with baby steps, to meet with one person one on one for a little “build the friendship time” once a week, and to plan a play group once a week as well. That’s as far as I am going right now. That is really a big step, there is so much to do here around the house that any time I take away from this address seems causes all kinds of guilt.

Right now as I am typing the babies are finally asleep…and Ryan is hidden under my quilt playing with my feet. Talking. Wrapping his fingers in between them. Humming with his binky in his mouth. They always have to be touching me. It can get claustrophobic sometimes, all the touching.